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Wayne Rooney and Jesse Lingard gave the Red Devils a 2-0 lead but Steve McClaren's side fought back courtesy of goals from Georginio Wijnaldum and Aleksandar Mitrovic.
Mitrovic converted from the spot after wrestling with Smalling in the box and after a second goal from Rooney, Paul Dummett provided another twist in added time to make it 3-3.
"We threw it away," Van Gaal told BT Sport. "You have to finish the game much earlier.
"In spite of that, the referee gives a penalty. I think it's a duel. You see that Mitrovic is pushing with his hand the head of Smalling. When you both do that, you cannot decide which is the worst.
"The referee is not losing our game. We are losing by ourselves."
Van Gaal acknowledged there was an element of misfortune to Dummett's equaliser, with the left-back's shot deflecting in off Smalling, but criticised his team's approach after they had restored their lead.
"It was unlucky," he added. "But before that, we are running behind. You have to push forward. We didn't do that. They have to finish [the game with a win].
"It's always difficult. Rooney had a big chance in the first half. We could have made six goals here. There were big possibilities.
"When you lose two points that's very sad and everybody knows it's our own fault. It's not the referee or the opponent. We did it by ourselves."
The Dutchman did believe, however, that his side had offered a response to critics labelling them unexciting to watch this season.
"I don't agree with the analysis of many people," Van Gaal said. "We are always attacking. We are always attacking also away.
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